Painting Guru Gifts

The trick is to imagine them naked

'So, Vincent, who is your target market?'

'Now THAT'S a presentation! Great delivery, great graphics, and he moonwalks from the room.'

If nobody had invented graphics

'I could do that.'

The Rise of Modern Art

'I just love this work from his macaroni period,'

"Everything you say (or don't say) matters. Choose your words and intentions carefully."

'Wow, talk about genius!'

'It's not easy painting hummingbirds.'

Kirsten Johnson

"Stop complaining and smile! It's a job, isn't it? NO wonder they call you Mona!"

"Which way to the Mona Lisa? We're double-parked."

"I don't know what happened, your holiness! I painted the ENTIRE CEILING!"

Your presentation will be terrific. I was up all night, but something's still missing. Here. I've got just what you need. How thoughtful! Eye concealer! No need to thank me.

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'I agree, this artist will go far and he should start right now!'

'And in conclusion, perhaps a change of business model is in order.'

Creative accounting.

'I've been told I have Rembrandt's golden glow.'

"Do you have anything that can help remove dark circles from under my eyes?"

A Christmas tree self portrait

'No, no....You have it all wrong!'

"My method of painting is pointillism."

"There are those who say I'm a throwback to Monet."

Hazards of mouse painting

Artist Retrospective.

Eugene Delacroix

McCartney art exhibition: 'The only reason they gave him the show is because he's got a famous daughter'

"It's a cautionary tale about why we shouldn't cut arts funding in schools."

Rodins rotten juggler

'I'm getting ready as fast as I can, and for the last time, it's a vanity table, not a 'workstation'.'

Two New Paintbrushes

"Big deal! My digital picture frame can hold a thousand pictures!"

Alberto Giacometti.