Art Gallery Guru Gifts

"Not only a great painter but a pioneer in promoting the awareness of self-harming."

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

Paul Klee

'Now THAT'S a presentation! Great delivery, great graphics, and he moonwalks from the room.'

If nobody had invented graphics

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"Personally, I'm a doer."

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

It's a call from Tate modern.

'Projectile painting.'

"Me? How about you go closer and read the plaque!"

Couple Sitting in Front of A Sunset.

'I could do that.'

The Rise of Modern Art

"I was going to call it 'Empty Plinth', but then I settled on 'Winter's Smile'...I wanted to capture the 'nothingness' of an 'absence of anything'..."

Rodin's Browser

'I just love this work from his macaroni period,'

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

'Wow, talk about genius!'

'It's not easy painting hummingbirds.'

The Cremaster Cycle

'Miss Donahue would give him an F.'

I painted them all from memory.

Curators at the Louvre Museum would regret approving the installation of a work on a wall behind the Mona Lisa.

"Outré or simply bad?"

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

Morning and Afternoon Paintings

"Definitive." "Compelling." "Persuasive." "Upside down."

The perfectionist.

'I don't know whether to put it in for the Turner Prize or go for the Poet Laureate.'

"That must be the artist over there."

Art of Surviving

"He begged his wife and kids to join him in Tahiti, but he didn't mean a word of it, the bastard."