Gallery Guru Gifts

'I could do that.'

Creative accounting.

The Masters' Early Works.

'Sir, that's the burglar alarm.'

Art Gallery, "Oh Brad isn't it wonderful that people are still paying fortunes for this sort of junk?"

"Well, this initial test suggests that the authenticity of your Rembrandt may be questionable."

"Would you like me to get one our experts to tell you what you think of it."

'Wow, talk about genius!'

"This painting really speaks to me."

'It says the artist studied painting while in prison.'

'Art rhetoric' - 'Normal language'

'This one's titled, 'Artist's Block'.'

"I remember when it was worth $50,000, instead of $150 million -- it must have gotten a lot better."

"Believe me, this guy is the next superstar of painting. He bows to the conservatives, the lefties, the environmentalists, to all religions, to the atheists, the meat eaters, the vegans..."

"So you're an investor who dabbles in art? I happen to be an artist who dabbles in money."

'Then he had a near death experience...'

'I painted the very same picture when I was in second grade and didn't even get a 'D'!'

Spot paintings

I thought I was irrelevant.

If magazines were like art galleries: cartoon with footnotes and manifesto

'Don't move

Copycat.

I paint landscapes to cleanse my palette.

"Big deal! My digital picture frame can hold a thousand pictures!"

'I just love this work from his macaroni period,'

McCartney art exhibition: 'The only reason they gave him the show is because he's got a famous daughter'

A bomber dropping paintings "Art Bombing"

"And this is Native Australian art..."

"Now we're moving into the landscape section."

Summer Exhibition

The Scream and the Earmuffs

"This would look great on out wall. . . when it's finished!"

"It speaks to my desire to spend money."

The Surrealists

"You have indeed purchased an original Rembrandt. A Ralph Rembrandt."