Pain Warriors Gifts

Do you think I'm army material, Randy? I think you'd be a real asset to the army. Really? Pain is an asset, because otherwise, how would one appreciate pleasure? Loneliness is an asset, for otherwise how would one appreciate love? I think boot camp would be much cheaper than a gym membership. Death is an asset. How else would one cherish life?

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

Lumbar support animal

"Look! A dying brain cell! Maybe we should help!...."

'I just invented the 'chair' - It relieves lower back pain!'

Workaholics Anonymous meeting: 'No one showed up. Everyone is working.'

'It's a beautiful lighthouse. However, hauling the batteries up the stairs has taken its toll on my back.'

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

"Well, the first thing we're going to do is loosen those suspenders!"

'I've got an appointment with Mr. Payne.' - 'He'll see you now.' - 'Okay, take a deep br-' - 'Gah!' - 'Great, now turn ov-' - 'Argh!' - 'And a final tw-' - 'Mummy!' - '*Sob*' - 'Okay, all done.' - 'Did you, by any chance...' - '...hear you crying...'

"I don't prescribe opioids, but feel free to grab a CBD-laced lollipop on your way out."

"I'm trying to determine if the aches and pains are from an injury or just my new normal."

Wal Max - Complaints Department

"I bit my tongue...but the bandages won't stick!"

'Actually, the pain is just nature's way of keeping you humble.'

"Too hard?"

"Of course, I would suggest a shot of novacaine."

'Exactly which school of acupuncture are you from?'

'I have stomach cramps.' - 'Oh.' - 'It feels like a cat raking its claws down the inside of my stomach.' - 'Oh.' - 'Raking in a good way or a bad way?' -

"...Under pressure?..gain instant relief with Doctor Bengts information overload adjuster...."

'This is going to be a level three.'

'I don't suppose it occured to you to simply agree to disagree?'

'We have a tournament to see which drug reps get to see the doctors.'

'Oh, thank god, a hot tub... My back is literally killing me.'

Ugh! I hate shots! The Dodos.

"We were definitely here before them."

Creation: The True Story

A man hugs a heart-shaped cactus

'Ooh, that's better!'

'Does it hurt when I do this...?'

'I said 'would you like to join the noise abatement society'?'

"We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls but your prayer is important to us so please stay on the line and one of our ....."

"And you're sure an adjustable bed will help with the sharp pains in my back?"

Before I can get back to work, I have to get my back to work!

'Thanks for changing the tire, Mr. Cromwell. Bob and I both have back problems.'