Oversharing Comedian Gifts

"What would you like for dinner tonight?"

Project Length As Measured In Dog Years

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

'For Sale by Neighbor'

Motorway notices reading: 'Fog. But if you can read this, it isn't that bad'.

'I thought up the term 'too big to fail'. So where's my bonus?'

The return of Miss Subways

'We don't keep cash on the premises.'

"Road construction used to bother me. But compared to all the craziness going on in the world, I'll take this any day."

Beep' 'beep' 'beep' 'beep'' - 'Slam!' - 'Great... another long week of pain and humiliation ahead...' - ''Click'' - 'God, Ilove my job.' - '' -

"Can I start you all off with my cheesy alimony saga?"

Things Women Never Say: 'Sorry I'm late boss. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn't stop listening.'

Riding instructor waits to fish a child out of jumping obstacle.

Honey I'm Home

Need a Lawyer?

The Last of the Passenger Pigeons

65. Whenever I'm in the mood to watch the rest of the world go by, I simply keep to the legal speed limit.

Metrocard error messages

Being vertically challenged, I never realized my dream of becoming a pro basketball player. But on a trip to work, it was just like I was a hoops star! I spilled some coffee when walking. I dribble whenever my feet are in motion. I took a selfie when I stopped at the ATM - it was a nice bank shot. Then as I neared the office, I came down the lane - and made an impressive display of driving and dunking. I should be getting a big shoe sponsorship contract any day now!

Metro North Entrance: Closed because it's broken.

'Trouble is, I only want to wear them for cycling to work.'

'With the tax cut and the federal deficit, the only solution is for you to earn more, Mr. Syms.'

"Excuse me, would you mind taking your portable zombie game to another carriage?"

Manhole Warning

'I'll fix you! But Good!'

Grandma's Cupcakes And Details About My Foot Surgery

'I was assured that this would be a double decker bus.'

Opera house to support

"Your ride is here."

"Cockfosters!"

'Road Construction Updates. While you're on hold for the next hour, press 1 if you would like to listen to New Age Music, press 2 If you would like to listen to rap, press 3 If you would like to listen to country, press 4... '

Covid-19: Mind the Gap

'What do you mean I can't take the HOV lane? There are two of us?'

The End is Not Near.