Oversharing Aficionados Gifts

"Can I start you all off with my cheesy alimony saga?"

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

'Take one of these diet pills every time you regain consciousness.'

"Do you want the last piece, or can I have it?"

Three years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie™ show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she could deal with her midlife crisis. You should try a radical makeover. When I hit midlife, I dyed my hair, got some tattoos, and dropped 75 pounds. My husband barely recognized me when he returned from overseas. He was not happy with my "new self," so I divorced him rather than change who I'd become. It was the best decision I'd made since I cut my thieving mother out

"Am I a new parent? No, I'm a new Uber driver taking him to school."

"EWE-BUR" "SHEAR-X"

Samosas

"Say when!"

"Move over, pardner, yer ridin' in the horsepool lane!"

"So that's unanimous Gentlemen. Seatbelts fitted on all our trains"

Grandma's Cupcakes And Details About My Foot Surgery

He must use Uber. I heard you contact them when you want to be picked up.

"It was Monday morning, he kept hitting the snooze button, and before he knew it, it had been twenty years."

Train ride simulator.

"Doctor, I just can't keep anything to myself..."

Vern takes the cashier's greeting of 'how are you today?' far too literally.

Pizza island.

"That's the problem with social media. Once you let it go, it's hard to take back."

'The wife will be late I'm afraid-it's my turn for the car today.'

"You must be my Uber ride."

"So, how do you like driving for Lyft?"

"Can I call you back? I'm having sex."

'Nice of you to ask. My bronchitis is acting up, I have a collapsed lung, my acid-reflux is terrible, I have a heart murmur...'

Couple in bed. Man enjoys post-coital cigarette while woman is on laptop. He says: 'Are you blogging this?'

"Miranda, this is Larry, my old therapist — Larry knows all my secrets ... and some of yours."

"I get the part about the Big Guy switching to Uber, but why does Mrs. C. have reindeer listed on this week's menu?"

"Whoa – way too much information."

"I do think it would speed things up if you followed my social media."

In the Future Every President Will Be Impeached over Drivel

Rideshare.

Executive Transit Authority

"Well, this all checks out, when can you start?"

I have this really bad itch on my ne