Optimistic Job Hunter Gifts

"I'm sending you to a job hunting seminar. Trust me when I say you're going to need it."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

Over enthusiastic headhunter

'Was my salary expectation a bit too high?'

'We can't find a pond small enough where you'd be a big fish.'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

'I hear you're looking for bounty hunters...'

'Staff Recommendations Inc.'

"On your application it says you've been a circus clown, an orthopaedic surgeon and a molecular biologist."

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

"Still no offers - sometimes I think I'm the only one using this site."

When staffing agencies screw up.

"Tell us something we don't know."

'The Dow finally hit 10,000. Guess happy days are here again.'

"Let's save some time, shall we?... Yes, no, for about five years, since I was a small boy, yes, I can start on Monday. Thanks, bye."

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

If only it was true...'I'm raising all your salaries by 50%...'

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

'I'm willing to pay a hiring bonus to anyone who will hire me.'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"I may have exaggerated a bit about coming up with a cure for cancer."

"On your resume, under Achievements, what do you mean by 'inspired by actual events'?"

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

Lying on your CV

'I'm a monarch, but I still pad my resume.'

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."