Hopeful Job Hunter Gifts

"No! There are no openings for my job!"

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

Over enthusiastic headhunter

'Was my salary expectation a bit too high?'

'We can't find a pond small enough where you'd be a big fish.'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

Now hiring.

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

'Oh, and if you really want this job, there's one thing you shouldn't mention.'

"Still no offers - sometimes I think I'm the only one using this site."

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate. I'm flexible on location - I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume. I don't think you understand what that mwans. The octopus got the job because he's a great multitasker!

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

"And you can REALLY make 345,000 deliveries in ONE day!"

"'Can correctly complete a CAPTCHA image 8 our of 10 times.' Any other skills?"

'I hear you're looking for bounty hunters...'

When staffing agencies screw up.

"Tell us something we don't know."

"John, does this mean you've given up looking for work?"

'The Dow finally hit 10,000. Guess happy days are here again.'

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

'I'm willing to pay a hiring bonus to anyone who will hire me.'

"Get another job? I can't! My breed can only be faithful to one master in a lifetime!"

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

Lying on your CV

"On your resume, under Achievements, what do you mean by 'inspired by actual events'?"

'I'm a monarch, but I still pad my resume.'

"I may have exaggerated a bit about coming up with a cure for cancer."

Employment demands