Light-hearted Job Seeker Gifts

'Ma! My degree in communications is finally paying off!'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"What's your occupation?"

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

When staffing agencies screw up.

"And you can REALLY make 345,000 deliveries in ONE day!"

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

'We need someone to walk the plants.'

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

"Naps. Do you have anything in naps?"

"This job involves travel? Let me call my parole officer and OK it with him."

"I called you back for a second interview to show you the origami I make with your résumé."

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'

'I'm looking over your resum?, there is one opening we have for you.'

Job Hunting.

'I love your 'never-say-never' attitude, but we never hired you.'

'We were going to hire you, but a background check showed you pulled a girl's ponytail in the 2nd grade. We don't need abusive people working here.'

'I looked at your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

'Special skills? Well, I've been told I make a mean martini!'

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

'I asked my boss if I could use him as a character reference...'

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'

If Job offers told the truth...