Jolly Job Seeker Gifts

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

"I don't need your resume. Your current employer forwarded me a ton of security video that you're featured in."

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

'We like to find just the right slot for our people.'

"I've worked as a wet-nurse for ten years, but I'm after something new now..."

"I know your previous employer gave you an excellent reference, but you were self-employed."

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

When staffing agencies screw up.

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references."

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

"Thanks for coming in again. Sorry about the last time. I must have pulled the wrong lever by mistake."

"That's great that you're on 8 different social media sites, but how are you at bank reconciliations, accounts payable, and working?"

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"I must admit, I thought I had seen every type of 'attention grabbing' resume out there, but this..."

"May I ask why you have 'inspired by true events' on the top of your resume?"

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

'Sorry, but I have to put 'Orca': Who would hire a 'Killer Whale'?...'

'I haven't gotten to your story yet. I'm laughing at your resume.'

Employment demands

'We need someone to walk the plants.'

'Heyyy, you're hired! Want a peanut?'

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

"Naps. Do you have anything in naps?"

"I have to admit, I've never seen anyone list 'cleaning out my desk' as a job skill."