Jolly Job Seeker Pillows

"And you can REALLY make 345,000 deliveries in ONE day!"

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

'We like to find just the right slot for our people.'

"I know your previous employer gave you an excellent reference, but you were self-employed."

"I don't need your resume. Your current employer forwarded me a ton of security video that you're featured in."

"I've worked as a wet-nurse for ten years, but I'm after something new now..."

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

When staffing agencies screw up.

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

"My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references."

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

"Thanks for coming in again. Sorry about the last time. I must have pulled the wrong lever by mistake."

"That's great that you're on 8 different social media sites, but how are you at bank reconciliations, accounts payable, and working?"

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

'Sorry, but I have to put 'Orca': Who would hire a 'Killer Whale'?...'

Employment demands

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

"May I ask why you have 'inspired by true events' on the top of your resume?"

"I must admit, I thought I had seen every type of 'attention grabbing' resume out there, but this..."

'I haven't gotten to your story yet. I'm laughing at your resume.'

'We need someone to walk the plants.'

'Heyyy, you're hired! Want a peanut?'

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

"Naps. Do you have anything in naps?"