Job Seeker With A Twist Pillows

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

Woman applying for a job in the oil business.

"Naps. Do you have anything in naps?"

"I see you did a swashbuckling internship with Blackbeard. Impressive."

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

"Yours is a most impressive résumé, and you've scented it with beef."

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

"Great news honey. I got that job with the highway department."

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

'According to your resume, you've accomplished very little and left no paper trail. Very impressive.'

'The fact that 'you used to copy other people's work at school' is hardly a qualification for the job, Mr Snodd'

'I love your 'never-say-never' attitude, but we never hired you.'

'I didn't bring a resume.. I brought coffee and donuts!'

'The shaking hands and fetching fit the job description, but I'm afraid speaking makes you overqualified.'

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'It says here on your application that you were fired from your receptionist position for refusing to answer phones...well, thanks for applying! Bye now!'

"As a senior citizen applying for this job, where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"Well, you certainly seem to have a lot to offer this company, and, of course, the truffles are a hell of a plus."

Urine Catcher

"On your application it says you've been a circus clown, an orthopaedic surgeon and a molecular biologist."

"And the hiring committee was very impressed with your no nonsense attitude during the interview."

When staffing agencies screw up.

"I work well independently. I usually correct all the problems I create."

'Ambitious? You sit there admitting you're a troublemaker!'

'Man, I gotta find a new gig!'

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

'I can assure you Mr. Rumplestilkskin, weaving straw into gold is a skill we can certainly use...'

"You cleaned out your desk so efficiently you've been rehired and placed in charge of Housekeeping."