Job Hunter With A Twist Pillows

'I'm looking for a temp job to fill the gap between my indictment and incarceration.'

What sort of job are you after?

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"Get another job? I can't! My breed can only be faithful to one master in a lifetime!"

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'Sorry - The position has already been filled."

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

Help wanted!...Ace Software, Inc...Video Game Tournament...Top 5 players get hired!

Over enthusiastic headhunter

'We can't find a pond small enough where you'd be a big fish.'

"I'm afraid we have very little in the salary range you're accustomed to."

Now hiring.

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

"Your CV is amazing. The boss would love you. So unfortunately you've been unsuccessful in your application."

When staffing agencies screw up.

'What about the rolls you promised me?'

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate. I'm flexible on location - I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume. I don't think you understand what that mwans. The octopus got the job because he's a great multitasker!

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

'The Dow finally hit 10,000. Guess happy days are here again.'

"Tell us something we don't know."

'University of Xylongatnyefxodyl - never heard of it!'

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'You're a good first draft. We would like to see a finished version.'

"I'm afraid the only thing we have in your line of work at the moment is a bingo caller in Milton Keynes."

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

'The resume is handwritten because I am not very good with computers' - The LAST thing you should say in ANY job interview.

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

'I'm willing to pay a hiring bonus to anyone who will hire me.'