Job Hunter With A Twist Pillows

'I'm looking for a temp job to fill the gap between my indictment and incarceration.'

What sort of job are you after?

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"Get another job? I can't! My breed can only be faithful to one master in a lifetime!"

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'Sorry - The position has already been filled."

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

Help wanted!...Ace Software, Inc...Video Game Tournament...Top 5 players get hired!

Over enthusiastic headhunter

'We can't find a pond small enough where you'd be a big fish.'

"I'm afraid we have very little in the salary range you're accustomed to."

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

'What about the rolls you promised me?'

When staffing agencies screw up.

"Your CV is amazing. The boss would love you. So unfortunately you've been unsuccessful in your application."

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

'University of Xylongatnyefxodyl - never heard of it!'

'The Dow finally hit 10,000. Guess happy days are here again.'

"Tell us something we don't know."

"I'm afraid the only thing we have in your line of work at the moment is a bingo caller in Milton Keynes."

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'You're a good first draft. We would like to see a finished version.'

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

'The resume is handwritten because I am not very good with computers' - The LAST thing you should say in ANY job interview.

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

'I'm willing to pay a hiring bonus to anyone who will hire me.'

Employment demands

"On your resume, under Achievements, what do you mean by 'inspired by actual events'?"