Job Hunter With Flair Pillows

'We're looking for bold, imaginative thinking, and judging from the whoppers on your resume, you're our man!'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

'Sorry - The position has already been filled."

Help wanted!...Ace Software, Inc...Video Game Tournament...Top 5 players get hired!

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

Over enthusiastic headhunter

Now hiring.

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

"I'm afraid we have very little in the salary range you're accustomed to."

'We can't find a pond small enough where you'd be a big fish.'

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

When staffing agencies screw up.

"You come highly recommended. I like that."

"On your application it says you've been a circus clown, an orthopaedic surgeon and a molecular biologist."

"Your CV is amazing. The boss would love you. So unfortunately you've been unsuccessful in your application."

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate. I'm flexible on location - I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume. I don't think you understand what that mwans. The octopus got the job because he's a great multitasker!

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

"Tell us something we don't know."

'The Dow finally hit 10,000. Guess happy days are here again.'

'You're a good first draft. We would like to see a finished version.'

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

'I'm willing to pay a hiring bonus to anyone who will hire me.'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

Lying on your CV

"I may have exaggerated a bit about coming up with a cure for cancer."

'I've met some tough interview boards in my time...!'

Employment demands