Job Hunter's Surprise Pillows

'Some book-keeping, photocopying, general office duties and some danger...'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

'Actually, there's no interview necessary. Just pull out the sword and the job's yours.'

"The election's over, Trump won, the illegals are being deported and I'm here for one of them there high-paying American jobs he promised."

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

Help wanted. Various positions available.

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."

'Henry has found his niche with us.'

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

"This is one of those great jobs you'd be willing to do for free. Will you do it for free?"

'I think I'm decisive. Can I get back to you on that?'

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'Have you got a resume?'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I know your previous employer gave you an excellent reference, but you were self-employed."

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

"I've worked as a wet-nurse for ten years, but I'm after something new now..."

'Mr. Barnes was going to interview you for the job, until he realized you were actually expecting financial compensation, benefits and vacation time.'

Your resume is only 8 words long! You're hired!

"I can see from your résumé that you're a man."

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

"Do you have any other qualities to offer apart from loyalty?"

"Now I don't want to alarm you, but are you familiar with the term 'On the scrapheap'!"

'For a raise you must apply in person to our Bombay office...'

"Any other strengths?"