Job Hunter's Surprise Gifts

'Some book-keeping, photocopying, general office duties and some danger...'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

'Actually, there's no interview necessary. Just pull out the sword and the job's yours.'

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"The election's over, Trump won, the illegals are being deported and I'm here for one of them there high-paying American jobs he promised."

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

Help wanted. Various positions available.

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

"This is one of those great jobs you'd be willing to do for free. Will you do it for free?"

'I think I'm decisive. Can I get back to you on that?'

'Henry has found his niche with us.'

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'Have you got a resume?'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

'Mr. Barnes was going to interview you for the job, until he realized you were actually expecting financial compensation, benefits and vacation time.'

"I know your previous employer gave you an excellent reference, but you were self-employed."

"I've worked as a wet-nurse for ten years, but I'm after something new now..."

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

Are you able to concentrate on your work? My mind wanders a lot but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

Your resume is only 8 words long! You're hired!

"I can see from your résumé that you're a man."

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

"Now I don't want to alarm you, but are you familiar with the term 'On the scrapheap'!"

"Any other strengths?"