Quippy Job Seeker Pillows

"I called you back for a second interview to show you the origami I make with your résumé."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"What's your occupation?"

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

"Well, you certainly seem to have a lot to offer this company, and, of course, the truffles are a hell of a plus."

"Actually, the job calls for someone who is convex."

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

'We like to find just the right slot for our people.'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

Urine Catcher

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

When staffing agencies screw up.

"And you can REALLY make 345,000 deliveries in ONE day!"

"And the hiring committee was very impressed with your no nonsense attitude during the interview."

'My resume,...in rap form!'

"I work well independently. I usually correct all the problems I create."

'Man, I gotta find a new gig!'

True, I've seen plenty of padded resumes, but very few bejeweled resumes.

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'Ambitious? You sit there admitting you're a troublemaker!'

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

'I can assure you Mr. Rumplestilkskin, weaving straw into gold is a skill we can certainly use...'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"You cleaned out your desk so efficiently you've been rehired and placed in charge of Housekeeping."

"That's great that you're on 8 different social media sites, but how are you at bank reconciliations, accounts payable, and working?"

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.

ROBOT EMPLOYMENT AGENCY, 'We don't have much on hand right now --how'd you like to be a Pez dispenser?'

'I think I've finally found my own niche.'