Optimistic Job Hunter Prints

"I'm sending you to a job hunting seminar. Trust me when I say you're going to need it."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

Over enthusiastic headhunter

'Was my salary expectation a bit too high?'

'We can't find a pond small enough where you'd be a big fish.'

Now hiring.

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

"Still no offers - sometimes I think I'm the only one using this site."

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate. I'm flexible on location - I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume. I don't think you understand what that mwans. The octopus got the job because he's a great multitasker!

"On your application it says you've been a circus clown, an orthopaedic surgeon and a molecular biologist."

"And you can REALLY make 345,000 deliveries in ONE day!"

When staffing agencies screw up.

'Staff Recommendations Inc.'

'I hear you're looking for bounty hunters...'

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

"Tell us something we don't know."

'The Dow finally hit 10,000. Guess happy days are here again.'

"Let's save some time, shall we?... Yes, no, for about five years, since I was a small boy, yes, I can start on Monday. Thanks, bye."

If only it was true...'I'm raising all your salaries by 50%...'

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

'I'm willing to pay a hiring bonus to anyone who will hire me.'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"I may have exaggerated a bit about coming up with a cure for cancer."

Lying on your CV

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

"On your resume, under Achievements, what do you mean by 'inspired by actual events'?"

'I'm a monarch, but I still pad my resume.'