Old Friends Club Gifts

"Can Eddie come out and throw his goddam back out?"

Albert & Myra - The End Story

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

The Cowboy Way; Doing the Right Thing

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

Heavy meals on wheels

"You know you're getting old when..."

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"Honestly, John, I'm not angry! I was going to suggest you give up driving even before you hit my car in the parking lot!"

(Scheduled) Sex, (Prescription) Drugs & (Classic) Rock & Roll

Which vaccines did they have when you were young? You cannot get under my skin, loser. Were you vaccinated against the black plague? Not bothering me. Were you vaccinated against leprosy? I am unaffected by you. Were you vaccinated against the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs? Munch mun - When's the last time someone shoved a syrupy pancake down your pants?

Man, Lemont … how long's it been? Twenty years? Just about. You still working at Pigville Pork Burgers? Nah … I got a job as the Candorville Chronicles White House correspondent. Then I went on to found Candorville.com, the internet's seventh largest source for news and opinion. Oh. That's cool. That's cool. How do you not know this? We're Facebook friends. I post links to my articles every day. We were roommates all through college, and you don't even read my updates? Facebook's for reading yo

'I'm fighting ageing.'

"I like New York, but I miss sleeping drunk on my front lawn."

"Just when I thought I had all the answers, I forgot what the questions were."

"I cranked up the dose a tad. Why should kids have all the fun?"

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

"You're right, they are statins."

"I'd like to get my withdrawal in either cryptocurrency or social-media exposure."

"We missed Fashion Week!"

"I'm just gonna reach in my back pocket real slow-like and turn off my ringer."

Maybe you should leave the evolving to the younger fish.

Man looking at greeting cards labeled "Apologies for not writing sooner" with sub-headings for different lengths of time.

"I always know what Harry's going to say, and he always knows what I'm going to say, so, by and large, we just don't bother."

Pensioners run riot on mobility scooters.

'Yes, old friend, we've traveled a long road, made a lot of stops, scooped up a lot of poop...'

Remember when?... When was that?

'We,ve still got it,Fred-it's a pity they don't want it anymore!'

Who's Dead

"Believe me, I didn't amass a billion dollar fortune just to impress you. But... it does, right?"

'Listen Mabel, you are 70, I am 75 and we have known each other since junior school. It's pure wishful thinking on your part if you claim I am 'grooming' you...'

'When the poor dear retired, he found that he missed his little cubicle.'

'So much for the great UNKNOWN campground.'

"Same old crowd."