Old Friends Humor Gifts

Hello, Ingrid? This is Lars Fusco. I met you one night in a bar about ten years ago and promised to call you the next day. The reason I didn

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

Heavy meals on wheels

(Scheduled) Sex, (Prescription) Drugs & (Classic) Rock & Roll

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

Which vaccines did they have when you were young? You cannot get under my skin, loser. Were you vaccinated against the black plague? Not bothering me. Were you vaccinated against leprosy? I am unaffected by you. Were you vaccinated against the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs? Munch mun - When's the last time someone shoved a syrupy pancake down your pants?

"Honestly, John, I'm not angry! I was going to suggest you give up driving even before you hit my car in the parking lot!"

"You know you're getting old when..."

"I like New York, but I miss sleeping drunk on my front lawn."

'I'm fighting ageing.'

Man, Lemont … how long's it been? Twenty years? Just about. You still working at Pigville Pork Burgers? Nah … I got a job as the Candorville Chronicles White House correspondent. Then I went on to found Candorville.com, the internet's seventh largest source for news and opinion. Oh. That's cool. That's cool. How do you not know this? We're Facebook friends. I post links to my articles every day. We were roommates all through college, and you don't even read my updates? Facebook's for reading yo

You can't get what up

"Just when I thought I had all the answers, I forgot what the questions were."

"I cranked up the dose a tad. Why should kids have all the fun?"

"You're right, they are statins."

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

"I'd like to get my withdrawal in either cryptocurrency or social-media exposure."

Maybe you should leave the evolving to the younger fish.

Man looking at greeting cards labeled "Apologies for not writing sooner" with sub-headings for different lengths of time.

"I always know what Harry's going to say, and he always knows what I'm going to say, so, by and large, we just don't bother."

"Same old crowd."

'We,ve still got it,Fred-it's a pity they don't want it anymore!'

Who's Dead

"Believe me, I didn't amass a billion dollar fortune just to impress you. But... it does, right?"

'Listen Mabel, you are 70, I am 75 and we have known each other since junior school. It's pure wishful thinking on your part if you claim I am 'grooming' you...'

Remember when?... When was that?

'Yes, old friend, we've traveled a long road, made a lot of stops, scooped up a lot of poop...'

'When the poor dear retired, he found that he missed his little cubicle.'

"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

I've always said ignorance is bliss, but what do I know?

"I still jump out of bed every morning. I just don't stick the landing as often."

'Well, as I live and breathe. If it isn't Rex Harris! I thought you were extinct.'

"Yesterday I got in touch with a childhood friend!"

"Keep an eye on Old Bound Volume of Harpers. He's on the make."