Office Survivor Gifts

'You're out here because you're supposed to receive a performance review? I'm out here because I'm supposed to give one!'

"The computers are fine, the staff has crashed."

'No matter how toxic the corporate culture gets in his department, Bill can always be counted on to suit up and show up!'

Climbing to the top.

"It takes good management to keep good people."

"The whole company is being relocated but nobody will tell me where to."

"I still say we're stretched dangerously thing."

'I'm the only one left..'

'Great to have you aboard. Here's your survival pack...I mean welcome!'

'What I like most about the new boss is that you always know EXACTLY where you stand with him!'

'How did the review go?'

Jenkins here has been with the firm the longest,

'Wake me up when he doesn't use a buzzword.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"You're over 50. While we appreciate your past contributions, we need to put them behind us and move on."

Getting through the week.

'Sorry I had to keep you on hold for so long Sir. The reorganization caused an appreciable decrease of personnel cost and we have to adapt to the new circumstances.'

"The corporate culture here? It's Junior High School without the acne."

Jerry was found catatonic in the break room after being told his project budget was cut in half and timing reduced by 2 months.

'The fact that you've aged 10 years in the last 6 months isn't accelerated depreciation, it's accelerated decrepidation.'

"I'm not worried because somehow all this is your fault."

"The entrance to my cubicle is three feet away. Please respect my partition."

'Ah... ok... I think I've found the source of the production slump.'

'Chair goes up!' - 'Chair goes down!' - 'Chair gets stuck.'

"Make one little mistake around here and they never let you forget it."

'Sit, Mr. Smedley.'

Musical Chairs...

"It's a 'Get well or else!' card from your boss."

People scoffed, but Cunningham survived multiple corporate restructuring campaigns this way.

USA Products: I survived team building, computers,Nafta layoffs,the HMO, outsourcing.'

'Nothing serious. I just hate my job.'

'I tortured you with absurd extra work, I called you at six A.M., I insulted you in front of all the colleagues and you still didn't quit! You're bullying me, man!'

'...and our work environment offers..well...wonderful horror stories to tell your grandkids.'

'Just between you and me, Roy, I don't know how much long I can keep doing this company lightening-rod thing.'

'How come your hard days at the office are harder than anyone else's hard days at the office.'