Office Survivor Gifts

'You're out here because you're supposed to receive a performance review? I'm out here because I'm supposed to give one!'

"The computers are fine, the staff has crashed."

"It takes good management to keep good people."

'No matter how toxic the corporate culture gets in his department, Bill can always be counted on to suit up and show up!'

Climbing to the top.

"The whole company is being relocated but nobody will tell me where to."

'I'm the only one left..'

"I still say we're stretched dangerously thing."

'Great to have you aboard. Here's your survival pack...I mean welcome!'

'How did the review go?'

Jenkins here has been with the firm the longest,

'What I like most about the new boss is that you always know EXACTLY where you stand with him!'

Getting through the week.

"The corporate culture here? It's Junior High School without the acne."

'Wake me up when he doesn't use a buzzword.'

"You're over 50. While we appreciate your past contributions, we need to put them behind us and move on."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'Sorry I had to keep you on hold for so long Sir. The reorganization caused an appreciable decrease of personnel cost and we have to adapt to the new circumstances.'

'The fact that you've aged 10 years in the last 6 months isn't accelerated depreciation, it's accelerated decrepidation.'

Jerry was found catatonic in the break room after being told his project budget was cut in half and timing reduced by 2 months.

"I'm not worried because somehow all this is your fault."

"If you can stay on throughout our restructuring, you can keep your job."

"Make one little mistake around here and they never let you forget it."

'Ah... ok... I think I've found the source of the production slump.'

Musical Chairs...

"It's a 'Get well or else!' card from your boss."

'Chair goes up!' - 'Chair goes down!' - 'Chair gets stuck.'

'Sit, Mr. Smedley.'

"The entrance to my cubicle is three feet away. Please respect my partition."

People scoffed, but Cunningham survived multiple corporate restructuring campaigns this way.

'How come your hard days at the office are harder than anyone else's hard days at the office.'

Some days at work can be more challenging than others.

'Tough day at the office dear?!'

'I tortured you with absurd extra work, I called you at six A.M., I insulted you in front of all the colleagues and you still didn't quit! You're bullying me, man!'

'You can't fire me! -- This is a right-to-work state!'