Office Culture Critiquer Gifts

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"Shall we start with an icebreaker?"

"You've proven your worth a hundred times over. Let's try for a thousand."

21st century water cooler conversations.

Boss's Desk Says No!

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

"Rolled-up sleeves, no coat, loose tie...it's my casual confrontational look."

'I'm sorry, but everyone is in a meeting.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

The best financial decision I ever made.

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'He barks when he sees the boss coming.'

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

'These are job perks.'

"At this office no two days are different."

'The portrait is a mark of his extreme egotism, but, if you curtsy and bow sufficiently...say, 'Oh Yes Sir!'!, to everything he says, you should do OK'

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

"In the old days, we had to constantly feed the screensaver."

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

"Now, let's get out there and walk really fast to places we don't want to be."

Tug of Negotiation and Conciliation.

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

After a day long meeting, the decision, as usual, is made in the hallway.

'Hello, Acme signs? This is the Berger & Coles Law Office...'

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'