Ocarina Novice Gifts

"It's true I can't play the ocarina. But why is that on my performance review?"

"First time pruning?"

"I would like a tube of lemon yellow, cadmium red, cobalt blue, ivory, black, and zinc white, a sixteen-by-twenty canvas, a couple of brushes, and that book 'Painting in Oils'."

Today we learned to count to one.

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

Please buzz off. That's my flower!

'....Till death do you part, don't say I didn't warn you.'

'G-g-golly! One day out of med school and I'm about to perform brain surgery! Just look at that scalpel shake!'

The Inexperienced Cook

"I'm surprised, Caswell. I thought you were a happy camper."

"I don't remember him or the meal or what movie we saw. All I remember is I wore the right jeans."

"This is my first book, but if I like it I may buy another in the near future."

...If sauce has not begun to thicken after 10 minutes, pour contents back into can and wait for your wife to get home.

'I hope it's okay -- the cookbook had some really confusing abbreviations.'

Look, dork, I won't ask again. Will you help me use a computer? Maybe. What for? Internet Scrabble. I hear it is possible to play – what is the word? Online? I should like to send data over cyberspace. Through cyberspace.

"I packed the cooking gear like you told me, Dad...where do I plug it in?"

'Alex we talked about this, you can't bring live things home from the lake. . . no buts, they don't want to leave the lake. Let your little friends go.'

"I'm making Thanksgiving dinner this year. Do you have Turkey Helper?"

"Cupcakes for the judge? You're new here, aren't you?"

"Despite countless assurances from his wife, mother and 'foodie' friends, Ed still did not trust the crock pot."

I think I'd like to make a motion at this time, your honor, but I cut a lot of classes in law school, and I'm not sure if I should make a motion to strike, or compel, or set aside a judgment, or

'I'd join Twitter, but I'm worried I'll make a hash of it.'

'So this is a kitchen!'

BOOKSHOP, 'We're pushing our do-it-yourself kit today, sir -- a ream of paper and a dozen pencils.'

'You may well, Ms. Ferris, one day write a 'Fifty Shades of Grey' bonkbuster, but today your account is one shade of red.'

The not-so-living wall

I really hope the agent likes my submission... - '' - 'This is perfect.' - '' - 'Absolutley perfect.'

Napkin Writer

"I've discovered I don't have a head for figures."

"Baldo, if you want good Latino food...all you have to do is ask."

'I'm fixing breakfast - how do you like your eggs, black or dark brown?'

"First date. You'd think she would have done something about her eraser."

'Where do we keep the boiling water?'

'Let's face it,Edgar.you and mother nature don't have anything in common.'

Sick wife teaches husband to use can-opener