Nursing Home Manager Gifts

'To summarise the tariffs, sympathy is £19/day, empathy £27 and obsequy £34.'

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

"I had to skip my workout."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

Believe it or not: Once upon a time Dads couldn't even boil water.

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

'What have I made for dinner? A reservation at the restaurant down the road. . .'

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

'It wasn't premeditated.

NHS targets.

NHS recruitment.

"Did you remember to do everything I asked, even the small things I said in passing that didn't sound like real requests?"

"He may be 90 but he's got the body of an 85 year old."

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

Hell's Angels

Minister rubbishes private sector hospital initiative.

Hospital Deaths - "Congratulations, you're manager of the month again"

NHS Reforms: See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil.

"Well TECHNICALLY he might be DEAD, but accordinh to the hospital's new patient satisfaction metrics he's pretty damned pleased about it."

I'd like to request a transfer to a household offering a higher allowance and fewer choices.

'The hospital needs to cut its drug budget...Mrs Miggins will be seeing what she can do for the Oncology department with hot twigs and frogspawn...'

'We do like the children to have wooden toys.'

If Supermarkets were run like the NHS: I'd like a million pounds worth of shampoo, which I may not bother to collect if Eastenders is on.

Consortia set to take over

'We are considering a nursery expansion.'

"We're trying to give geriatrics a sexier image..."

Stress on GPs

'The operation we want you to do is to remove 25 from our budgets.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

'...And then, apparently, it just went berserk when someone insisted on having 'Podcast'.'

"He's our newest partner, we can't afford to be as selective as we used to be."

'All the money we saved buying bulk food on sale we blew on this huge freezer!'

NHS Trust Hospital: Management Team/Medical Staff