Nursing Home Manager Gifts

'To summarise the tariffs, sympathy is £19/day, empathy £27 and obsequy £34.'

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

Believe it or not: Once upon a time Dads couldn't even boil water.

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

"I had to skip my workout."

Handle With Care

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

'What have I made for dinner? A reservation at the restaurant down the road. . .'

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

'It wasn't premeditated.

Weather channel.

NHS targets.

NHS recruitment.

"Did you remember to do everything I asked, even the small things I said in passing that didn't sound like real requests?"

"He may be 90 but he's got the body of an 85 year old."

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

Hell's Angels

NHS Reforms: See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil.

Minister rubbishes private sector hospital initiative.

"Maybe a little inconvenient, but not a single case of the flu in the entire office."

Hospital Deaths - "Congratulations, you're manager of the month again"

'We do like the children to have wooden toys.'

"Well TECHNICALLY he might be DEAD, but accordinh to the hospital's new patient satisfaction metrics he's pretty damned pleased about it."

"We're trying to give geriatrics a sexier image..."

'We are considering a nursery expansion.'

Consortia set to take over

I'd like to request a transfer to a household offering a higher allowance and fewer choices.

If Supermarkets were run like the NHS: I'd like a million pounds worth of shampoo, which I may not bother to collect if Eastenders is on.

'The hospital needs to cut its drug budget...Mrs Miggins will be seeing what she can do for the Oncology department with hot twigs and frogspawn...'

Stress on GPs

'The operation we want you to do is to remove 25 from our budgets.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

'...And then, apparently, it just went berserk when someone insisted on having 'Podcast'.'

Health Care is in Trouble

'The NHS believes in a carrot and stick approach to motivation...'