Nursery Rhyme Revisionist Gifts

"The true story"

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

'Houston, I'm prepared to land...'

"Go ahead and eat her, she's a pain in the a**."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

'Are you made of sugar?'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Cow jumping over the moonshine.

"The spoon, he ran away with the goddam spoon."

The Hey Diddle Diddle Orchestra

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

'She barely made it out of the atmosphere... next!'

"You'll have to help out here more. I pulled a hammy jumping over the moon."

"A whack, whack here. A whack, whack there. Here a whack, there a whack. Everywhere a whack, whack."

'Henrietta is so self-confident.'

'I knew things were getting out of hand when I went from snips, to snails, to puppy dogs tails....'

"Well, that one got away."

Jack Finds The Giant Grilling At His Giant Grill

"... And this one needs a shot of vodka."

'Listen up, Baskerville! This is MacDonald! Those hounds of yours are scaring the E-I-E-I-O out of my animals!'

Old Lady in shoe driving a footie (sock) car.

Humpty Dumpty goes bungee jumping.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Rockabye Baby- $10/hour.

'You were right Doc: Jumping over the monn did boost my self esteem!'

Old Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes

Chicken Little Inc. Pecking Order.

"Damn! I'm in the wrong fairy tale. This is the three little pig's house, not the three bear's!"

If you're happy and you know it...

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"Only one pailful? Did they have water restrictions like we do?"

'Hurray for indoor plumbing!'

'And you're telling me this, why?'