New Pet Owners Gifts

'My goldfish died. I over-watered him.'

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

Bitchbark Canoe

"Fish needs a bigger bowl."

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

"Actually, make that a double cream."

"Pick me!"

'So far, I've taught him to fetch.'

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

'With 73 dog obedience books read between us, I think we must consider defeat.'

"Foster failure"

"Cat box"

'My bark may be worse than my bite, but I've got a whine that will drive you up a wall!'

"A squirrel, impressive! I'm still chasing a stick."

"I think she's figured out what W-A-L-K means."

'That was fun!'

Nothing beats the love of a good cat.

Dog Dreams

"Cheery little flowers, saying good night, saying good morning!"

"I didn't know she could body surf. Did you know she could body surf?"

"Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink in the wild air." — Ralph Waldo Emerson "Catch tennis balls in the mouth." — Me

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

Cat Nip.

"Can I keep them? I found him on the internet?"

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

'Why can't my walks be that fun?'

"Maureen Alsop is leaving her magnolia, and her delphinium and her cats with us this weekend."

Boy bringing home an octopus in a fish bowl.

'Oh, really?... I'm actually more of a dog person.'

A man and his dog

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

"That’s great, but where’s the Frisbee?!"

'She's just great with the children.'

Pet Shop: "I think I've found one for me."

Foster failure