New Pet Ownership Gifts

'The water is fine and the food is great -- what I really need is a little privacy.'

Beware of the Dog Hair.

'Why always on the editorial page?'

"...and this attachment allows your cat to continue to sleep on top of the TV."

"The homework here is delicious!"

"I actually had this haircut before I became a mom."

"Stop arguing—I'll walk myself."

'Which dog is named 'BOGART'?'

'What are you doing with that dog whistle if he just followed you home?'

'Stop with the reading. The paper is for your other end, mister.'

'Mum! Next door's puppy is over in our garden again!'

Animal Modelling Balloons

When it's time to change the kitty litter box - at the very latest.

"He keeps banging his head."

Bitchbark Canoe

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

"Fish needs a bigger bowl."

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

"Actually, make that a double cream."

'So far, I've taught him to fetch.'

"Pick me!"

'With 73 dog obedience books read between us, I think we must consider defeat.'

"Foster failure"

"Cat box"

'My bark may be worse than my bite, but I've got a whine that will drive you up a wall!'

"A squirrel, impressive! I'm still chasing a stick."

'That was fun!'

Nothing beats the love of a good cat.

Dog Dreams

"Can I keep them? I found him on the internet?"

"I didn't know she could body surf. Did you know she could body surf?"

"Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink in the wild air." — Ralph Waldo Emerson "Catch tennis balls in the mouth." — Me

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."