New Parents Gifts

You're right-this is way better than a standing desk.

Baby At The Entrance Of The Maze Of Life

"Open up for the choo-choo train!"

"OMG! I just got born!"

"It's a baby. Federal regulations prohibit our mentioning its race, age, or gender."

What's the big surprise? All the latest theories of linguistics say we're born with the innate capacity for generating sentences.

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

'My god, he's insane.'

'It was hard enough making ends meet when it was just the two of us. Now we have a baby and suddenly there's four more stomachs to feed.'

'Thank God we're cute. You only get one chance to make a good first impression.'

'Congratulations! It's an obesity time bomb'

Child reading book: Understanding Your Parents' Behavior.

How to grow up.

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

A baby is breast feeding and father asks mother:'So at what age is he going to realize that I exist?'

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

'We're quite excited. We think he's developing his first disorder.'

"We've decided that it will be better for his later development if we speak to him only in legalese."

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"Hunter, gatherer, we don't really care, as long as it's healthy."

Changing the baby.

"If I had to classify our parenting style, I would call it a 24/7, terrifying, all-consuming, worrying style."

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

'Something tells me he's going to be a basketball player.'

"At what age can we expect him to understand digital technology?"

'If you're happy to demand feed we'll get along just fine.'

"He's at that annoying age where they're always testing you."

'You didn't play 'Baby Einstein' tapes while Tyler was In Utero?'

"Fat, bald and incontinent. Life seems to have dealt us a glancing blow."

"If I turn it up I might get out of here quicker!"

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

Right before baby's first text.

'The more you drink the more I produce.'

Whoa, that is one ugly baby!