New Parents Gifts

You're right-this is way better than a standing desk.

Baby At The Entrance Of The Maze Of Life

"Open up for the choo-choo train!"

"OMG! I just got born!"

"It's a baby. Federal regulations prohibit our mentioning its race, age, or gender."

What's the big surprise? All the latest theories of linguistics say we're born with the innate capacity for generating sentences.

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

'Thank God we're cute. You only get one chance to make a good first impression.'

'My god, he's insane.'

'It was hard enough making ends meet when it was just the two of us. Now we have a baby and suddenly there's four more stomachs to feed.'

How to grow up.

Child reading book: Understanding Your Parents' Behavior.

'Congratulations! It's an obesity time bomb'

Baby Mobile

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

A baby is breast feeding and father asks mother:'So at what age is he going to realize that I exist?'

Penguin giving birth

The Fletchers leave their baby with a sitter for the first time.

'We're quite excited. We think he's developing his first disorder.'

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

"The genetic engineers gave him that birthmark as part of a sponsership deal."

Changing the baby.

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"Hunter, gatherer, we don't really care, as long as it's healthy."

"We've decided that it will be better for his later development if we speak to him only in legalese."

"If I had to classify our parenting style, I would call it a 24/7, terrifying, all-consuming, worrying style."

"At what age can we expect him to understand digital technology?"

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

'Something tells me he's going to be a basketball player.'

'If you're happy to demand feed we'll get along just fine.'

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

"Fat, bald and incontinent. Life seems to have dealt us a glancing blow."

'You didn't play 'Baby Einstein' tapes while Tyler was In Utero?'

"He's at that annoying age where they're always testing you."