New Parent Superpower Pillows

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

The cell phone soother for life.

"Seminary didn't prepare me for this."

'The stuka brought you.'

'You know, termite queens have over 100 million offspring. I mean, just saying...'

"Damn it, are we flying a spoonful of peas again?"

"How many times have I told you kids to turn off the light when you leave a room?!"

'Still having trouble finding day care?'

"And what did my little darling do in school today?"

'Go forth and multiply!'

'He's at that difficult age: 0 to 16.'

'My mom won't let me play 'Merchants of Mayhem.' I tried, but she's a game changer.'

'How about wearing a limo driver's cap when taking me to practice?'

"It's a special place where they check the eyes in the back of their heads."

"Look what I found in the garage! My old music speakers!"

Muscular Dad

'Talk about tough days.'

'Hello, parental support hotline? I was able to rise up and become super Mom. How do I get back down?'

"Support the head!"

'Wait a minute! I want it stirred, not shaken!'

"Mommy is taking the nap that you refused to take."

"We're still figuring out how to monetise him."

Designer Baby.

Heimlich's Mother's Maneuvers

'For me, this is actually an improvement; my wife is home with our octuplets.'

'I got the idea from a veterinarian friend of mine.'

"I don't know who is more tired, the kids playing soccer, baseball, softball, tennis, lacrosse, volleyball and basketball, or me taking them."

"Ms. Thomas, you'll have to come pick up your son. He's swinging from the chandelier claiming that he can and will divide by zero."

Mom's Diner - We reserve the right to refuse service to naughty boys!

Potty Training.

"I'll get you a drink of water, but next time, call Dad, not room service."

Dad reaching into medicine cupboard