New Parent Superpower Pillows

Mighty Man Of Justice Is Born

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

The cell phone soother for life.

"Seminary didn't prepare me for this."

Mom, I think you're carrying us too much.

'The stuka brought you.'

"Damn it, are we flying a spoonful of peas again?"

'You know, termite queens have over 100 million offspring. I mean, just saying...'

"How many times have I told you kids to turn off the light when you leave a room?!"

"And what did my little darling do in school today?"

'Still having trouble finding day care?'

World's Best Dad. I don't know. I thought they were with you. World's Best Mom.

'Go forth and multiply!'

'He's at that difficult age: 0 to 16.'

'My mom won't let me play 'Merchants of Mayhem.' I tried, but she's a game changer.'

'How about wearing a limo driver's cap when taking me to practice?'

Muscular Dad

"Look what I found in the garage! My old music speakers!"

Witch's child wants to ride mechanical broom.

"It's a special place where they check the eyes in the back of their heads."

'Talk about tough days.'

'Hello, parental support hotline? I was able to rise up and become super Mom. How do I get back down?'

"Mommy is taking the nap that you refused to take."

Designer Baby.

"We're still figuring out how to monetise him."

"Support the head!"

Heimlich's Mother's Maneuvers

'For me, this is actually an improvement; my wife is home with our octuplets.'

'Wait a minute! I want it stirred, not shaken!'

'I got the idea from a veterinarian friend of mine.'

"I don't know who is more tired, the kids playing soccer, baseball, softball, tennis, lacrosse, volleyball and basketball, or me taking them."

Mom's Diner - We reserve the right to refuse service to naughty boys!

Potty Training.

"I'm dealing with tweens at home and fiends at work."

"I'll get you a drink of water, but next time, call Dad, not room service."