New Parent Humor Pillows

"Dress it up all you want – it's still and invasion of my privacy."

'The good looking one is mine!'

'Mum's half asleep again!'

'It's OK, being completely egocentric is perfectly normal for someone your age.'

Baby's head pops off.

3 Kings - "I think nappies would have been more useful than Frakinsense."

'Sandra, I think the baby needs his oil changed.'

Two breasts: No waiting

'It's just called breast milk. It doesn't need a fancy brand name.'

Mobile Phone Mobile.

Nursery exchange: Exchanges.

'Baby skunk delivery.'

"Wouldn't a teething ring be better than a house-brick?"

'Look, he's taking his first steps.'

'Mom, will the baby come with bundled software?'

'Congratulations Mr. Dumley, you have a lovely little thing...'

"The cool part about naming your kid is that you don't have to add loads of numbers to make sure the name is available."

"Looks like Master's been up the whole night with the baby: It's unlikely we'll go for a walk this morning..."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"I've just been reincarnated, does anyone know what number iPhone we're up to?"

"I think our bundle of joy needs his mommy, dear!"

"Bring me a tit, and make it snappy."

"Cheese!"

"Honey, the baby just texted her first word!"

"No car loan, but we're looking to buy a new baby stroller."

Prepent.

I know, it's so hard not to laugh every time that kid crawls by wearing just a poop bag.

I'm not saying she's a gifted child, but she did write her own birth announcement.

'It looks like the baby drew an organizational chart of our family!'

'I don't believe it - At school all my teachers said I was an underachiever!'

Twins

'What do you mean, there's no menu card?'

'Oh wonderful! All day I've been waiting for that burp!'

Was it just a dream?

'I don't like where this is headed.'