New Parent Banter Pillows

CCTV? Good grief, what do they think I'm going to vandalise in here??

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

I know, it's so hard not to laugh every time that kid crawls by wearing just a poop bag.

'BEEP! BEEP! Pregnant Lady Reversing!...'

'Congratulations Mr. Dumley, you have a lovely little thing...'

Cupid and stork ambush young couple.

'Oh Darling look. He's got your colour boogies!'

"It was a difficult delivery."

'Oh wonderful! All day I've been waiting for that burp!'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

Beware of teething baby.

'This might be a good time to discuss a few grievances.'

Husband and Child in Pram

They Removed my Brain.

'Mom, will the baby come with bundled software?'

'Sandra, I think the baby needs his oil changed.'

"Twins!...Who's the other father?"

'Your son couldn't come. He sent his sister.'

'That's my girl. The one in the white uniform.'

Twins

'I don't believe it - At school all my teachers said I was an underachiever!'

I'm not saying she's a gifted child, but she did write her own birth announcement.

"I think our bundle of joy needs his mommy, dear!"

'It's OK, being completely egocentric is perfectly normal for someone your age.'

"You went here instead of the maternity ward. Fortunately, we experts in delivery too!"

"When do I get my phone call"

Gas Mask.

"Did he sleep through the night again?"

A man outside of gents toilet sees sign: New Men - With Baby changing facilities.

"From now on, just pillage."

Mobile Phone Mobile.

"Dress it up all you want – it's still and invasion of my privacy."

3 Kings - "I think nappies would have been more useful than Frakinsense."

Two breasts: No waiting

'So that's why babies don't have teeth.'