New Motherhood Gifts

Breastfeeding - "When it's my turn, can I use this?"

'Have a heart, officer... the little mite is starving!'

"You might want to review the chapter on unconditional love."

Office worker with baby in drawer.

The death of Venus

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

"I'm not surprised that lady's so fat. . . The baby's been blowing her up for hours."

"I think you need to wind him dear."

"Wet wipe?"

Jehovah's wet nurses

"You're overfeeding that baby."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

Madonna of the Pukes.

Cry babies.

baby sweetcorn...

'I've had some baby sized clubs made.'

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

A midwife holding a baby

"I'm sorry, Ms. Cole is busy balancing family and career. Can I take a message and have her call you back?"

Interior design trends for parents....

"She's been so creative lately."

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

"You mustn't pull the cat's tail so hard it tugs the head inside, sweetie!"

'You gotta learn to talk, Jeffrey -- it's part of the aging process.'

"It only goes forwards and backwards. So, you won't need a GPS."

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

"They're so adorable at that age!"

Naturally, Bob thought the midwife was for him.

"Those are the names of your children? I went a different route...I memorized my kids' names."

'You don't have to explain the software to me. I wrote it while I was in the womb.'

"Even when he throws them on the floor, he doesn't want the peas and carrots to touch."