New Dad Humorist Pillows

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

"Please let go of Daddy's chest hair."

"Well he smells like his father."

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

This way up Babygro.

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

Poopy Baby

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

'I've had some baby sized clubs made.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

"It's so nice to finally put a face to the name."

"That's mine!"

Doughboy Dad

'Wow! Your kid looks a lot like you!'

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

"It's a boy, ... and two girls, then another boy, another girl, and there more boys."

"You know what they say, there's one born every minute!"

Child Being Dirty in the Bath.

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

"Which one's yours?"

Cupid and stork ambush young couple.

'Congratulations Mr. Dumley, you have a lovely little thing...'

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'

'BEEP! BEEP! Pregnant Lady Reversing!...'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

"Which one's mine?"

"It's a dependent!"

The Mothership

Kids really do make you view the world from a different perspective...I'm on the floor, behind the couch, under the bed...

"The main skill you need in parenting, is the ability to surreptitiously eat chocolate."

"I'm sure he wasn't that big when we went out

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."