New Dad Humorist Pillows

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

"Please let go of Daddy's chest hair."

This has been a test of the emergency bathroom warning system….

"Well he smells like his father."

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

This way up Babygro.

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

Poopy Baby

Dad waiting for baby to be born.

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

'I've had some baby sized clubs made.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

"It's so nice to finally put a face to the name."

'Wow! Your kid looks a lot like you!'

Doughboy Dad

"That's mine!"

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

"It's a boy, ... and two girls, then another boy, another girl, and there more boys."

"You know what they say, there's one born every minute!"

I know, it's so hard not to laugh every time that kid crawls by wearing just a poop bag.

Child Being Dirty in the Bath.

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Cupid and stork ambush young couple.

"Which one's mine?"

'Congratulations Mr. Dumley, you have a lovely little thing...'

'BEEP! BEEP! Pregnant Lady Reversing!...'

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'

"Which one's yours?"

"It's a dependent!"

Kids really do make you view the world from a different perspective...I'm on the floor, behind the couch, under the bed...

The Mothership