New Baby Humorist Pillows

'Breasts can be so rude. So often they start without me.'

"This is what I mean by 'There's a sucker born every minute!'"

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

'Wow! Your kid looks a lot like you!'

"It's his emotional support animal."

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

"Have you met my bodyguard?"

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

Child Being Dirty in the Bath.

Oh, sorry, it's in airplane mode.""

The Mothership

Baby reading 'To do list'.

"Please let go of Daddy's chest hair."

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

"This diaper makes my butt look big..."

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

Newborn making the V-sign

A (P)ram.

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

A woman looks at greeting cards in a section entitled "New Pie".

"Oh, she's got her father's male hormones"

'I thought I might try a bit of Stand-up.'

'I guess I wasn't thinking. I bought a return ticket.'

'She'll open her eyes in a few days. I don't know about us.'

"No chance of accumulating frequent birthing points in here. This is the only trip I'll take."

Baby Bat Mobile

'Mum's water have broken and she's called the doctor. I may be wrong but I'd be calling the plumber!!'

Baby Teething Problems.

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'