New Baby Humorist Pillows

'Breasts can be so rude. So often they start without me.'

"This is what I mean by 'There's a sucker born every minute!'"

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

"It's his emotional support animal."

'Wow! Your kid looks a lot like you!'

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

Child Being Dirty in the Bath.

"Have you met my bodyguard?"

Oh, sorry, it's in airplane mode.""

The Mothership

Baby reading 'To do list'.

"Please let go of Daddy's chest hair."

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

"This diaper makes my butt look big..."

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

Dad waiting for baby to be born.

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

Newborn making the V-sign

A (P)ram.

A woman looks at greeting cards in a section entitled "New Pie".

"Oh, she's got her father's male hormones"

'I thought I might try a bit of Stand-up.'

'Mum's water have broken and she's called the doctor. I may be wrong but I'd be calling the plumber!!'

Baby Teething Problems.

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

'I guess I wasn't thinking. I bought a return ticket.'

'She'll open her eyes in a few days. I don't know about us.'

We had to use my wife's pouch as a diaper bag.

Waaahhh. Please, Milo. Stop crying. Look, Milo. I'm making a funny face. Waah. I'm waving my arms in the air! Waah. I'm pouring burning coffee on my head. Waaah. Waaaaaaaahhh. Look at this dog. Isn't it disgusting and hairy wairy? Humiliating on every level. Giggle.