New Allotment Owner Gifts

"Must've planted those seeds upside down..."

Prize vegetables.

Allotment

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

An old man growing berries

This is NOT 'nipping out'.

'Hey, are you like me? Do you hate mowing around trees? ell, then THIS is the machine for you!'

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'

Homegrown solutions for a smaller carbon footprint.

'Wool ewe pullover yourself together.'

So those are your 'weapons of mass destruction? - Slugs?

'I'll say this for you young Thoreu - he certainly does make good use of his pond.'

"What are you growing?"

'I grow all our tomatoes. I grow all our spinach. All you do is complain about the cost of my twice weekly manicures.'

'Apart from Charlie here, I don't have any problems with slugs'

Sheds

"....one minute I'm there - chewing the cud - the next, I get this urge to lead!"

Man looking at his shower-bath on a cold morning

"Why don't other people ever do this?"

"This is the precise reason I didn't want bamboo flooring."

He was forced to take early retirement.

Middle Distance Runners

Hell's Allotment Holders.

Man sweating profusely while shoveling snow in his boxer shorts

"Actually, these are more valuable than the golden ones now."

'When I said shock the pool, I meant with chlorine!'

Sign on shed reads 'Gone to seed.'

'You can always recognise a true gardener - out there before the weather actually gets nice enough for venturing into the garden.'

Man halfway through growing a scarecrow

"I don't know what it is, we just look fabulous in Cranberry."

Decorative Evidence

"I heard they bought thousands of acres around here."

"My biggest problem is squatters."

"You call this pigswill food?"

"Still trying to grow mushy peas,Alf?"