Land Owner Gifts

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

Use your imagination.

'When he comes through that door, let's all jump up and give him a big kiss!'

'I still want to be a cowboy.'

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

The Cat's Alarm Clock

'For Sale by Neighbor'

Gypsy curses didn't seem so threatening after the Mummy went into the peg business.

'I'll say this for you young Thoreu - he certainly does make good use of his pond.'

'It's only four acres but we're glad we bought it - he's always wanted to be an expert in his own field.'

"The pH level seems a little off."

"DID YOU SEND THIS?"

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'The Hunt family have solved the problem of the fire ants.'

How's this mulch for improving my soil? Not good. It's full of toxic wood chips. They poison the dirt and don't decompose. Just what I need. Subprime loam.

"Moat? No - sump pump crapped out."

"Someday, son, all this will be yours..."

"To be honest, I'd be stupid not to take advantage of the market."

'Apart from Charlie here, I don't have any problems with slugs'

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

'This is my new boat. I finally succumbed to pier pressure.'

"....one minute I'm there - chewing the cud - the next, I get this urge to lead!"

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"My family's been working this land for at least 400 years...!"

William and Real Estate

"Decaf for me, Peter."

'You can't charm me out of this chair.'

'You don't know how lucky you are. My mortgage is worth more than my house.'

'If you promise to never try to openthe locked attic door, the owner will take $20,000 off!'

Man in woods sees sign, 'No Trespassing', next to 'Go Ahead - Make Our Day!'

"...and I can assure you that our price increases will be more competitive than those of other providers."

'What do you mean, you forgot about the coalmining search?'