Owning Land Gifts

'It's only four acres but we're glad we bought it - he's always wanted to be an expert in his own field.'

Man to realtor: 'How much for a starter cubicle?'

"I'd better enjoy this while I can. It's the only home I'll own without a mortgage!"

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

"But there's no way in hell I could afford Jupiter today."

'Unforeseeable future site of Hainesmore Industries.'

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

"I'm bored - let's buy a house in the country that has lots of problems."

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"I'm looking forward to the next thirty five years of her living with us."

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

"I'm afraid you neglected to submit the proper development permit application."

'The bad news is the Big Bad Wolf is coming. The good news is I've got some great rates on Homeowner's Insurance!'

'It says, please disregard this reminder if your payment has already been sent.'

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

"Someday, son, all this will be yours..."

"Good morning - I'm from your bank. We'd like our house back please!"

Stan believes in calling a spade a spade.

'Apart from Charlie here, I don't have any problems with slugs'

"Whatever you do, keep up with your mortgage payments."

"....one minute I'm there - chewing the cud - the next, I get this urge to lead!"

'Polly doesn't want a cracker, Polly wants a condo in Florida.'

'Will this be a simple equity loan, or are you refinancing your whole marriage?'

"The worst thing about selling 51 percent of my company is that I can't walk around like I own the place."

CHEZ MOI - formerly CHEZ NOUS

'If you don't want a lot of column upkeep, this probably isn't a good real estate market for you.'

"Your dream of a house with a white picket fence is still feasible, at least for the picket fence."

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

'We can't decide between raising kids and raising a mortgage deposit.'

"I wish I had known you have arachnophobia before I paid."

William and Real Estate

Man in woods sees sign, 'No Trespassing', next to 'Go Ahead - Make Our Day!'

Don't laugh, my house is paid for.