New Property Owner Gifts

'I'll say this for you young Thoreu - he certainly does make good use of his pond.'

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

Tool Box

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

"Bungle the flip! Bungle the flip!"

"Would you please step into the garage? Your car and I need to have a word with you."

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

A DIY disaster.

"This is bishop’s weed — always pee on it. Tell your friends."

Fuel bill gone through the roof

"You called me, boss?" "Yes, I overheard you talking to patrons about all the new planets we’ve found." "I want you to stop doing that." "At least until I’m done buying up as much of that real estate as I can. I don’t need any competitors driving up the prices." "Very bad man." "When the hipsters run out of cities to gentrify here, my properties on Gliese 581c are going to make a killing."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

Yard Sale

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

"...And this is the part where he veers off course from the YouTube tutorial."

Beginning Yarder.

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

George is pleased with himself. He replaced the toilet seat without calling a plumber.

Somewhere in France: "I thought I was buying goat cheese. I endedup with a chateau in the Loire."

"Dad! The bathroom pipes are clogged up!"

'Frank is into D.I.Y...'Destroy It Yourself'!'

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"What should I wear to the living room today?"

'Hello, Acme Termite Control...?'

'Harry won't even build me a new kitchen.'

Gypsy curses didn't seem so threatening after the Mummy went into the peg business.

Man whistles while driving his car.