Mystery Humorist Gifts

'It looks like another victim of Jack the Rapper, Sarge!'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

"Canadian Mt. ‘Rush’more"

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"I said slime."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Glance Exchange

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Radiator jazz player

"It's just a tree."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"How about a hand."

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

A bird plays the flute to a cat.

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'You can't come in here with that.'

Self Help / Elf Help.

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'