Unexpected Humorist Gifts

'Hell's freezing over. The only thing I can figure is McWit Construction actually finished a job on time.'

"Can you hear me now?"

"Weird - it must have gotten mixed in with the office supplies when I left the job."

I didn't realise you sold shoes!

'This guy REALLY leads a sheltered life- he lists Santa as a reference.'

'Hey, look!'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

Faster, Georges, faster!

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Glance Exchange

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"It's just a tree."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"How about a hand."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'The Lemming Book Store'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

"I cross the road to forget."

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

'You can't come in here with that.'

Self Help / Elf Help.