Mystery Humorist Pillows

'It looks like another victim of Jack the Rapper, Sarge!'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

"Canadian Mt. ‘Rush’more"

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"I said slime."

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

Glance Exchange

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

A bird plays the flute to a cat.

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"How about a hand."

"It's just a tree."

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

"I cross the road to forget."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

'The Lemming Book Store'

'You can't come in here with that.'