Movie Making Gifts

Jim and Betty Noir could turn a simple trip to the post office into gripping melodrama.

'I said 'Round up a posse'!'

Couple surrounded by security cameras plus film crew. Man says: 'I find the CCTV is quite intrusive in this area.'

"Hold it a second. I want to watch this."

"I've got bad news and even worse news: The bad news is that your script is shallow, offensive garbage. The worse news is that we're offering you ten million for it, which will probably ruin you forever as a writer. Sorry I had to be the one to do this to

"And now it's time for the 0'Malley family remake of Battleship Potemkin!"

'How many studio apartment construction projects did you say you'd worked on before?'

The writing team arrives on set.

"I'm perfect for the screenwriter's job. And if you don't like my résumé, I've got 12 more with alternative endings!"

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"These aren’t the droids you’re looking for."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Director/Action Man toy.

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

"They're wearing cameras. How humiliating."

Herman Mankiewicz

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

The ghosts of Christmas yet to come.

"Max! Oh, my God! There's like a billion moving ideas in there!"

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'