Mortgage Muser Gifts

'I think we should make an offer on this house, what do you think?'

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

"Ideas that jump from noggin when head not yet screwed on."

'Or you can rent by the week...'

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

"OK, now you can sing your heart out."

God's map of the universe

'Can Mr. Sloan call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

Mr. Briggs' Adventures in the Highlands, part 8.

"Sorry, I can't - I have to be everywhere."

"Some people say you can't put a price on a wife's twenty-seven years of loyalty and devotion. They're wrong."

"We can't all work for Goldman Sachs."

'I warned him that this was no place for a guy with inner-ear problems.'

'When I asked how much memory you had left I was asking about your computer, not you.'

'I thought elephants never forgot, but according to these results you have alzheimer's disease.'

Life plan

"I read the Tibetan Book of the Dead, but I wasn't Enlightened. . . but I did get the munchies."

"Lactose started it, but now it's mainly me she can't tolerate. . ."

'Well the GOOD news is that the new software analyzed hundreds of thousands of potential customers to identify any that would have a genuine interest in the product...'

"Bit if I'm here...how can I also be up close and personal to my managers?"

No, "enlightenment" is on the next peak. I teach "ignorance is bliss."

I'm bored and broke. My gadgets seem old and outdated. I can't buy anything new. I can't work because the economy stinks. I'll just die of boredom. Hold on. Surely you can think of some other exciting and self-destructive activity to distract you from facing your real problems. Ooh, my inside voice has an idea. What's Darlene up to?

"But am I happy? Very."

'I don't know what's wrong with you, you seem to have celibacy on the brain!'

'My good memory is a curse: There are things I would like to forget...'

"And then it hit me: I got up early for THIS? A slimy, cold worm? I HATE worms!"

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

"What a listener. My burden feels lighter already."

'They say medicine is a calling. . . but it's days like this I wish I'd had call waiting.'

'Wait! Tell me again about the 'excessive gas and oily discharge'?'

"If a stock falls in the market and no one's around, does it really lose its value?"

"They're crowdsourcing your session."

"He was a prolific writer who made a lot of mistakes and eventually lost his mind. It all sounds so pointless."

'Are you SURE we're not allowed to telecommute?'

"I don't want a divorce, but I would like a gap year."