Monday Cynic Gifts

Monday Checklist.

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

'Play any other position besides Monday morning quarterback?'

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

Suggestions Get Shredded.

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"Doesn't it make sense to move Casual Friday to Monday?"

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

'My goal is to be a failure and accept a colossal golden parachute.'

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

Black Friday

'You'll have to excuse my husband - he's got compassion fatigue.'

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

"To increase consumer optimism, we're going to put Prozac in the drinking water."

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"The only reason I would take a job in government is to write a tell-all book!"

The first accurate poll.

"Would you say your politics are middle of the road?"

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."