Monday Cynic Gifts

Monday Checklist.

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

'Play any other position besides Monday morning quarterback?'

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"Doesn't it make sense to move Casual Friday to Monday?"

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

'My goal is to be a failure and accept a colossal golden parachute.'

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

'You'll have to excuse my husband - he's got compassion fatigue.'

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

"To increase consumer optimism, we're going to put Prozac in the drinking water."

"The only reason I would take a job in government is to write a tell-all book!"

"Would you say your politics are middle of the road?"

The first accurate poll.

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'