Mom Enthusiast Gifts

"It's your mother. She wants to know why you never summon her."

Mother and Baby

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Naturally, Bob thought the midwife was for him.

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

'At this rate I'll end up with more heirs than hairs!'

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

'As you can see, it's too late for a termination...Baby is capable of surviving outside the womb...'

Cloning Dept. Ooh! She's got your eyes and nose, mouth...

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

Suffering from Cooties?

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

'Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby boy!'

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

"...for a canal I thought that was unusually short."

Growth Charts

'Do I like kids? You bet I do: I deliver babies for a living...'

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

A pregnant woman wears a shirt that says "Baby"with an arrow pointing down, while a mother holds a baby that is an arrow pointing up.

Maternity Ward

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'

Toddler Feeding Solutions

Open other end

Crying baby

"Sure was a lot of screaming for the happiest day of your life."

'Listen! It kicked again right here. I swear it's not appendicitis!'

Early childhood development

'Don't worry about gaining weight after the baby - you'll run it off during the toddler years.'

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

'How many fingers do you see?'

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!