Motherhood Enthusiast Gifts

"I don't mind having a bun in the oven, but I do mind not being able to set the temperature."

Pelvis birth canal exit: Width restrictions apply.

'It's no use he just doesn't understand the let-down reflex!'

'Don't worry about gaining weight after the baby - you'll run it off during the toddler years.'

Single parents.

"If you want to talk to a real person, hang up and call your mother!"

'She's the primary caregiver!'

Open other end

"Me and my husband had to try sixteen times before I became pregnant... What a night that was!"

"It's done wonders for my back."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

'At this rate I'll end up with more heirs than hairs!'

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

Suffering from Cooties?

'As you can see, it's too late for a termination...Baby is capable of surviving outside the womb...'

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

Growth Charts

I love my family!

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

"...for a canal I thought that was unusually short."

'Do I like kids? You bet I do: I deliver babies for a living...'

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

A pregnant woman wears a shirt that says "Baby"with an arrow pointing down, while a mother holds a baby that is an arrow pointing up.

Maternity Ward

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'

Toddler Feeding Solutions

"Sure was a lot of screaming for the happiest day of your life."

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

'How many fingers do you see?'

Crying baby