Modern Skeptics Gifts

"And the prince and princess lived happily ever after."

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

'Item 56, we need to schedule a series of meetings to discuss whether we should have meeting to look at whether we're having too many meetings.'

"God works in mysterious ways."

'What's most depressing is the realization that everything we believe will be disproved in a few years.'

Celebrity Phrenologist.

"This report says a happy workforce is a productive workforce, but I need more proof before I go changing everything around."

'What is the meaning of poorly attended staff meetings.'

"This'll show the Theology Department."

Judgment Day is coming next Monday. Repent. Now, hold on. How can I believe you when so many dire prophecies haven't come true? I sealed myself in a shelter twice in the late '60s, hid in the Appalachian Mountains a decade later. A huge bunching of Judgment Day visions in the late '80s led me to simply get a time share in the Colorado mountains … Getting out of town doesn't spare you Judgment Day. I don't think. Lemme double-check the clues in Marmaduke. Mostly I needed an excuse to get away. Th

'OK, now you've seen it...'

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

"Yeah, but good luck getting it peer-reviewed."

Doing Something About the Weather

'I don't think Charlie will ever get used to these auto-mobiles.'

"Huh! Never a miracle vaccine when you want one - then three come along at the same time - bloody typical!"

Descartes's Demon

'Don't tell me what Aristotle says. He still believes men have more teeth than women.'

'Okay, now I'm hoping he's right...'

Creationist president: 'We have to cut the budget, so I'm keeping the astrologer, and letting thge astronomer go.'

Alternative Accountants

Akron, oh, you're on Ask Sadie. What's your problem?! I'm thinking of not signing up for health insurance this year. Good idea. In my day, there was no such thing as health insurance. If you got sick, you paid for it with either money or chickens. That's if you were a lily-livered coward who just had to see a doctor. When great-great-grandmother Cohen had her sixth heart attack, she just applied a poultice made of chestnut leaves and flour and kept on plowing.

"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin..."

'Don't believe everything you read.'

PERSONNEL, 'Your resume has everything but verisimilitude.''

The Early Bird

"IDEOMOTOREFFECT. See! I told you."

"Spaghetti made from squash? Sounds like fake news."

Ponzi Schemes Inc

"How can you suggest that this university's research facilities have been co-opted by the military?"

"Our integrated approach to medicine skillfully combines an array of holistic alternative treatments with a sophisticated computerized billing service."

"Remember when everything used to be so nice and solid?"

'He's a very good doctor, and I trust him, but I must confess that I always double check his diagnosis on Google.'