Modern Marriage Fan Gifts

"Congratulations, dude, and you may now play tonsil hockey with the bride."

Online Dating

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"Yes ... no!"

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

"Ah-h, her comes my better half now."

'The coalition of the willing.'

"The coffee is free, but now we rent the tables."

Effective Catcalls

"I'd like you to meet my Husband 2.0!"

". . . Do you both like and subscribe. . ."

"Not only, she drives me crazy - she found me a car pool!"

"So - we meet at last."

"Look, all I'm asking is that we let market forces bring a greater degree of efficiency into our marriage."

"But it's supposed to be recreational sex, not guilt sex."

"Will you be keeping your own name or rebranding?"

How you can tell when someone else buys your clothes.

'I can't go on like this Wilfred - you've changed so - You're no longer the man I married.'

Landmark selfie

"He's in his late somethings, but he's cute."

In it for the long haul.

'I undertand they met on line.'

"Janet, we have to stop meeting like this. It has become a source of increasing friction in my marriage to Elizabeth."

'I call it, 'Albert Was Insufferable'.'

"Click here if you accept his terms and conditions."

"I don't know how many times I've told him about leaving empty toilet rolls in the bathroom."

Phone buff.

'Our cell phone providers merged, so we decided to tie the knot too.'

"Traditionally, you cut the bottom layer at the wedding reception, the middle layer at your first child's Christening, and the top layer to celebrate your divorce settlement."

'There's one thing that keeps me from a serious commitment - my wife!'

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"We divided it up so I do everything right and he does everything wrong."

"I carry a .38 special. What do you carry?"

Have we had sex yet?"

"Attic or cellar?"