Modern Marriage Maven Gifts

"Will you be keeping your own name or rebranding?"

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

'She thinks it makes her look enigmatic.'

"Let me connect you with Edith, our specialist in ethnic conflict in the former Yugoslavia. My expertise happens to be in North Korean intransigence."

"We think we got some good CT scans, but unfortunately they're encrypted and our I.T. guy is on vacation this week."

See? Whenever he's mad at me, he turns off his Touch ID sensor.

"Arthur, I need my space."

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

"Do you...enter name...take...enter name...to be your...choose one from the pull down menu...click the I do icon now please."

"Damn it, Gwendolyn, you know when you married me I only moved one square at a time."

"Congratulations, dude, and you may now play tonsil hockey with the bride."

"It's my attorney. Have you seen my list of things about you that drive me crazy?"

"Morning, Brad." "Morning, Angelina."

'All he wants is sex, sex, sex!'

"I'll kill you if you crack your knuckles again."

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

"Oh, grow up!"

'You say that he's so good that you 'Don't know you've got him', so what's the point of him?'

'It seems with every year my hot flashes get worse.'

'Our marriage has been so successful because we are open to each others' points of view, and we always think for ourselves... isn't that right, honey?'

Sadie, I don't want you to stay in this relationship just because it's convenient. I think the counselor would agree. Counseling $10. Wow. Of course. Counselors never tell you what they think. I think we're overpaying.

"I think your tailor has seriously miscalculated your rise, Herbert."

From marriage, straight to the counselor.

"Not to quibble, Helen, but if you look up 'Pathetic Loser' in the dictionary I don't believe anyone's picture is there."

"Steve and I live together, but we're getting indicted separately."

'Don't you think that this is more fun than using a breast pump?'

'Dear, your ego is stepping on my shoes again.'

'If I were you I'd poison the bastard!'

An old woman measuring the decreasing height of an old man using a height chart

'It's a gadget for buying gadgets over the net.'

"You should be happy. How many husbands even notice window treatments?"

'Well, Mary, you've already screwed up you first two kids. This could be you last chance...'

'And do you, Rob, promise to love and cherish Simone, even if she earns more than you do?'

And do you promise to love, honour and take out a whopping great pension.

"Don't worry about being in your 40's - before you know it, you'll be in your 50's!"