Marital Misery Maven Gifts

"Not tonight dear, I hate you with every fibre of my being."

"I keep on getting these feelings of love, peace and empathy..."

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

"Let me connect you with Edith, our specialist in ethnic conflict in the former Yugoslavia. My expertise happens to be in North Korean intransigence."

See? Whenever he's mad at me, he turns off his Touch ID sensor.

"Arthur, I need my space."

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

"Extra large sanitary pads and extra small ones, pads for the night..."

"Damn it, Gwendolyn, you know when you married me I only moved one square at a time."

'Yeah, year, I get the moral of the story, but what are the legal ramifications?'

'We're able to cut back on legal fees by being more ethical.'

"It's my attorney. Have you seen my list of things about you that drive me crazy?"

'All he wants is sex, sex, sex!'

"I'll kill you if you crack your knuckles again."

"You bet I'm stressed, I can't stop imagining there's a poacher hiding behind every bush..."

'Psychoanalysis is passé. I suggest we ask for asylum in France.'

Post-psychoanalysis

'You say that he's so good that you 'Don't know you've got him', so what's the point of him?'

"Oh, grow up!"

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

"I knew there was something wrong when he stopped reading the obituaries."

'It seems with every year my hot flashes get worse.'

'Our marriage has been so successful because we are open to each others' points of view, and we always think for ourselves... isn't that right, honey?'

Mass Confucian

"The real question is do you really need a cracker?"

'Do you mind if I take the rest of the session to get your input on investor psychology?'

"You've got to want to connect the dots, Mr. Michaelson."

"I think your tailor has seriously miscalculated your rise, Herbert."

Sadie, I don't want you to stay in this relationship just because it's convenient. I think the counselor would agree. Counseling $10. Wow. Of course. Counselors never tell you what they think. I think we're overpaying.

"Not to quibble, Helen, but if you look up 'Pathetic Loser' in the dictionary I don't believe anyone's picture is there."

From marriage, straight to the counselor.

Frank and Ernest Pet Psychiatry. There's nothing sadder than a bloodhound trying to find himself.

'Dear, your ego is stepping on my shoes again.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

"My previous patient thought he was a cruise missile."